Friday, 14 January 2011

#396 - My Smart Phone

Now, free with a bottle of GlenWonka

One of the biggest problems of being as smart as me is that it's surprisingly easy to outsmart yourself. For example, on the way home from work around 15:00 PM (yeah, I only work part time - because I have only my own lard ass to support) I always pass a "Kentucky Fried Chicken" fast food restaurant. That's right, we have those in Holland as well. Once every two or three weeks I used to pass the restaurant in an unusually hungry mood - and then I would buy a burger or wrap, convincing myself that that would be my meal INSTEAD of my regular evening meal. Needless to say, around 19:00 or 20:00 my stomach usually had little trouble convincing my brain that I REALLY should eat something. So, Over the last decade and a half I've outsmarted myself to the tune of 32 additional and pretty useless kilo's (reasoning that I used to weigh around 80 kilo's and I was in tip-top shape at the time).

But how do I know that I'm smart, you ask? Well, thanks to logical reasoning - and the dozens of IQ tests I took as a confused teenager. I won't go into the details of my teenage years right now (that's a treasure trove of material for a website on its own) and why I took all those IQ tests, but in the end it took surprisingly little cheating to arrive at the desired end result: that I have an IQ of at least 400. [Legal notice: actual numbers may appear larger in the rear view mirror of one's mind than what is actually supported by historical evidence.]

Anyway - back to how I know I'm smart... Well, since a while, I'm the proud owner of a smart phone. It says so, right there on the box - and I'm sure they wouldn't dare putting it on the packaging if the fact wasn't scientifically established, right? So, I'd like to present the fact that my phone is smart as the first half of my case. Now, although my smart phone has many features, it can't get on the internet yet - for example to access the Malt Maniacs Monitor. I, on the other hand, can. Therefor, I'm even smarter than my smart phone. 

Beat that, Nietzsche!

Alas, as I mentioned my uncanny smartness has lead to the current overweight - and I'm still resolved to work off a sizeable chunk this year. (Which is REALLY smart, my doctor tells me...) So, thanks to the "distance measuring" web site that I mentioned in my last post, I'm now taking long and brisk walks through the park or along the beach. (Amsterdam is only 25 kilometres from the beach and easily reached by bike or train. And while I'm told that "taking long walks on the beach" is supposedly a favourite hobby of romantically inclined women of the female persuasion, I can assure you that there is little less romantic than the sight of me dragging my excess lard across the beach. Fortunately, with the weather conditions we're having right now, the beach is usually mostly deserted - AND I have to drag around 3,6 less kilo's of fat. The scale now says 108,4 kilo's, two weeks into the new year. I'm on course so far...

Sweet drams,